These Phrases from My Parent Which Saved Me during my time as a Brand-New Parent

"I think I was just trying to survive for twelve months."

One-time reality TV cast member Ryan Libbey expected to cope with the demands of being a father.

However the reality rapidly became "utterly different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health problems surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was forced into becoming her main carer as well as taking care of their baby boy Leo.

"I took on every night time, every change… each outing. The role of mother and father," Ryan shared.

After 11 months he became exhausted. It was a conversation with his parent, on a bench in the park, that helped him see he required support.

The simple words "You are not in a good spot. You need assistance. How can I help you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, look for assistance and find a way back.

His situation is commonplace, but seldom highlighted. While society is now more comfortable talking about the pressure on mothers and about post-natal depression, less is said about the struggles dads face.

'It's not weak to request support'

Ryan feels his challenges are symptomatic of a larger inability to open up among men, who continue to internalise damaging ideas of manhood.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the fortress that just gets smashed and doesn't fall time and again."

"It isn't a sign of weakness to seek help. I didn't do that quick enough," he clarifies.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health before and after childbirth, explains men frequently refuse to accept they're struggling.

They can feel they are "not a legitimate person to be seeking help" - most notably in preference to a new mother and infant - but she emphasises their mental health is just as important to the family.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad gave him the opportunity to ask for a pause - taking a few days away, away from the domestic setting, to see things clearly.

He understood he needed to make a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's feelings as well as the logistical chores of caring for a infant.

When he was honest with Louise, he discovered he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -reassuring touch and hearing her out.

Reparenting yourself'

That insight has reshaped how Ryan views fatherhood.

He's now composing Leo weekly letters about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he gets older.

Ryan hopes these will help his son better understand the expression of feelings and understand his decisions as a father.

The notion of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen did not have consistent male parenting. Even with having an "amazing" bond with his dad, deep-held trauma meant his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their relationship.

Stephen says suppressing emotions caused him to make "bad actions" when younger to alter how he was feeling, finding solace in substance use as escapism from the anguish.

"You find your way to things that aren't helpful," he says. "They might briefly alter how you feel, but they will ultimately make things worse."

Strategies for Managing as a First-Time Parent

• Share with someone - when you are under pressure, speak to a friend, your other half or a therapist what you're going through. This can to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated.
• Remember your hobbies - continue with the activities that helped you to feel like the person you were before the baby arrived. This might be playing sport, socialising or gaming.
• Don't ignore the body - eating well, getting some exercise and when you can, getting some sleep, all play a role in how your mind is doing.
• Spend time with other new dads - listening to their experiences, the challenges, and also the joys, can help to normalise how you're feeling.
• Know that seeking help isn't failing - taking care of your own well-being is the optimal method you can look after your family.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen naturally had difficulty processing the loss, having been out of touch with him for many years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's committed not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead offer the stability and nurturing he missed out on.

When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they try "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the frustrations in a healthy way.

Each of Ryan and Stephen explain they have become improved and more well-rounded men because they confronted their issues, changed how they talk, and learned to regulate themselves for their kids.

"I have improved at… dealing with things and managing things," states Stephen.

"I put that down in a message to Leo last week," Ryan adds. "I said, on occasion I believe my purpose is to teach and advise you how to behave, but in reality, it's a dialogue. I am discovering as much as you are on this path."